Memo to Donald Drumpf, er, Trump:How to Keep America Safe without Building a Wall

american eagle

To “The Donald”

I took down my Confederate flag (which you CAN’T buy at Walmart, Amazon, eBay and Sears any more), removed my gun rack from my pick-up, tossed the “Don’t Tread on Me” flag, gave the Doberman Pinschers to my mother-in-law, stored my AK-47assault rifle, and peeled the NRA sticker off my front window.

I then disconnected my ADT home security system and quit the dubious Neighborhood Watch and Citizens On Patrol groups.

Next, I bought four flags: a Pakistani flag, an Iranian flag, a Saudi Arabian flag, and a Libyan flag. I then put one at each corner of my yard. Later, I purchased the traditional black flag of the Muslim tradition with a white shahada inscribed on it (which you CAN buy on the Internet) and ran it up the flag pole.

Now the local police, the county sheriff, the FBI, the CIA, the NSA, Homeland Security, the Secret Service, and even Bond – James Bond are all watching my house 24/7. I’ve NEVER felt safer in my life and I’m saving the $69.95 a month that ADT used to charge me.

Subsequently, I bought burkas for my wife and me to wear when we shop or travel. Everyone moves out of our way and security can’t pat us down.  If they say I’m a man wearing a burka, I just answer that I’m feeling like a woman today. Easy.

Hot Damn – and with sincere apologies to Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr – Safe at last, safe at last, Thank God Almighty, I’m safe at last!

Ain’t America great or what?


A Safe and Secure American


















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