Just in case you were concerned about Memories Pizza in Indiana going out of business after owners Crystal and Kevin O’Connor announced that their pizzeria would not make any pizzas for any same-sex weddings, you can relax. This “Christian establishment” is doing just fine financially.
The pizzeria came under fire after saying it would refuse to cater a gay wedding, despite the fact that no same-sex couples ever asked it to provide such a service. As a result, the O’Connor’s claim that they were forced to shut down for the day after receiving a barrage of bad reviews and some crank phone calls.
“I don’t know if we will re-open,” Crystal O’Connor told the media, “or if we can, if it’s safe to re-open. We’re in hiding, basically, staying in the house.”
It turns out, going into “hiding” proved to be pretty profitable for the homophobic duo. Because while the O’Connors were hunkered down in their living room praying and/or watching Fox News, a GoFundMe campaign was set up for their business and as of this writing, the campaign raised $842,442 for the pizzeria, with donations from nearly 30,000 contributors. Subtract GoFundMe’s transaction and processing fees and the O’Connors are left with a tax-free payout of more than $767,000 – enough to serve up more than 23,000 16-inch specials with everything on them. I hope the pizzeria’s owners do the good Christian thing and give at least some of that money to charity rather than pocket it all for themselves.
All of this started me to thinking. If it worked for Memories Pizza, why not for me? So I decided if I owned a business in Indiana, I would post the following sign on the front door of my business establishment. The sign would read:
Dear Valued Patrons:
Due to my sincerely held religious beliefs and in light of the Religious Freedom Restoration Act recently signed into law by our dearly beloved leader, Indiana Governor Michael Richard “Mike” Pence, not only will I not serve anything to a same-sex couple for their wedding, but also I will not serve the following persons listed below. I will neither do business with them nor permit them in my establishment. Please understand that my authority for making this statement is based not only on the recent Indiana law, but also on the support of God’s holy Word (King James Version, of course).
To wit: I will not serve –
Any divorcees. See Matthew 19:9: “And I say unto you, Whosoever shall put away his wife, except it be for fornication, and shall marry another, committeth adultery: and whoso marrieth her which is put away doth commit adultery.”
Those who have ever read their horoscope or called a psychic hotline. See Leviticus 20:6: “And the soul that turneth after such as have familiar spirits, and after wizards, to go a whoring after them, I will even set my face against that soul, and will cut him off from among his people.”
Anyone with a tattoo. See Leviticus 19:28: “Ye shall not make any cuttings in your flesh for the dead, nor print any marks upon you: I am the Lord.”
Anyone born illegitimately. See Deuteronomy 23:2: “A bastard shall not enter into the congregation of the Lord; even to his tenth generation shall he not enter into the congregation of the Lord.” Also, anyone who, back to ten generations, is descended from someone born illegitimately. If you cannot PROVE, using appropriate church sources, that ten generations of your family were born in wedlock, I will have to err on the side of caution and not serve you.
Anyone who makes a practice of praying aloud, or in public. See Matthew 6:5-6: “And when thou prayest, thou shalt not be as the hypocrites are: for they love to pray standing in the synagogues and in the corners of the streets, that they may be seen of men. Verily I say unto you, They have their reward. 6 But thou, when thou prayest, enter into thy closet, and when thou hast shut thy door, pray to thy Father which is in secret; and thy Father which seeth in secret shall reward thee openly.”
Any woman with braided hair or gold jewelry. Just to be on the safe side, NO jewelry at all. See 1 Timothy 2:9: “In like manner also, that women adorn themselves in modest apparel, with shamefacedness and sobriety; not with broided hair, or gold, or pearls, or costly array”
Any man who has ever, by accident or not, had his genitals damaged. (Current interpretation of this scripture is under debate, so just to be on the safe side, if you have had a vasectomy, or testicular cancer, I can’t serve you. I apologize for the inconvenience but I am worried for my eternal soul.) See Deuteronomy 23:1 “He that is wounded in the stones, or hath his privy member cut off, shall not enter into the congregation of the Lord.”
Those who bring their children to my establishment who have a bowl haircut. See Leviticus 19:27: “Ye shall not round the corners of your heads, neither shalt thou mar the corners of thy beard.”
And as hard as it is to believe, Anyone who celebrates Christmas. See Jeremiah 10:3-4: “For the customs of the people are vain: for one cutteth a tree out of the forest, the work of the hands of the workman, with the axe. They deck it with silver and with gold; they fasten it with nails and with hammers, that it move not.”
And for those of you complaining that some of these scriptures are from the Old Testament, and that Jesus came to redeem us from these laws, I must refer you to Matthew 5:17-19, wherein Jesus himself says: “17 Think not that I am come to destroy the law, or the prophets: I am not come to destroy, but to fulfil.18 For verily I say unto you, Till heaven and earth pass, one jot or one tittle shall in no wise pass from the law, till all be fulfilled. 19 Whosoever therefore shall break one of these least commandments, and shall teach men so, he shall be called the least in the kingdom of heaven: but whosoever shall do and teach them, the same shall be called great in the kingdom of heaven.”
Well, there you have it. If you are not one of the above, then you are welcome in my establishment. If you are one of those listed above, please do not even think of visiting my place of business. Again, I am sorry for the inconvenience. It is nothing personal. I believe in “loving the sinner but hating the sin,” and all that stuff, but I simply cannot serve anyone who would blatantly disregard God’s sacred law in such a fashion.
Yours in Christ
(signed) The Owner
Well, of course, I am not such a business owner and I would never post such a sign. To those who would even be tempted to post such a thing, I believe that it would be helpful to remember that Jesus ate with prostitutes and tax collectors and was accused of being a gluttonous man and a winebibber, a friend of publicans and sinners! So get over it. Get over yourselves!